OMIGOD YOU GUYS
Dear Elle, he's a lucky guy
I'm, like, gonna cry
I've got tears comin' out of my nose
Mad props! He's the campus catch
You're a perfect match
Cause you both have such great taste in clothes
Of course he will propose
Dear Elle, honey mazel tov
Future's takin' off
Bring that ring back and show it to me
Four carrots, a princess cut
Are you psyched or what?! I just wish I could be there to see
When he gets down on one knee
Omigod, omigod you guys
Looks like Elle's gonna win the prize
If there ever was a perfect couple, this one qualifies
Omigod you guys
Omigod, this is happening!
Our own homecoming queen and king
Finally she'll be trying on a huge engagement ring for size
Omigod, you guys
OMIGOD!!
Okay, everybody signed!
Good now, fall in line!
And we'll start the engagement parade
Light candles in single file
Don't forget to smile
Lose the gum, Kate! You look like the maid (Sorry!)
Now prepare to seranade
(Ssh!) Omigod, omigod you guys
Looks like Elle's gonna win the prize (Sssh!)
If there ever was a perfect couple
This one quali--(Sssh!!!)
Omigod!!! (GUYS, I'M SERIOUS!)
Elle and Warner were meant to be
Not once ever has he hit on me! (Shut up!)
They're just like that couple from Titanic!
Only, no one dies
Omigod
Two! Three! Four!
Daughter of Delta Nu
Soon to be fiancée
Now that a man chose you
Your life begins today
Make him a happy home
Waste not his hard-earned wage
And so he does not roam
Strive not to look your age!
Still, in your hour of need
Let it it be understood
No man can supersede
Our sacred bond of sisterhood . . .
Omigod, omigod you--(Guys, she's not in there!)
Omigod, dress emergency!
Don't take the freeway!
Hey, wait for me!
No one should be left alone to dress and to accessorize
Omigod, you guys!
Omigod, omigod, omigod, omigod, omigod . . .
It's almost there, but . . .
This dress needs to seal the deal
Make a grown man kneel
But it can't come right out and say "bride"
Can't look like I'm desperate, or like I'm waiting for it
I gotta leave Warner his pride
So "bride" is more implied (There she is!)
Omigod, omigod you guys
All this week I've had butterflies
Every time he looks at me it's totally proposalized
Omigod, you guys!
So help me dress for my fairy tale
Can't wear something I bought on sale
Love is like forever; this is no time to economize
Omigod, you guys!
(Excuse me, have you seen this? It just came in. It's perfect for a blonde.
Right. With a half-lip stitch on china silk?
Uh-huh.
But the thing is, you can't have a half-lip stitch on china silk. It'll pucker. And you didn't just get this in because I saw it in last May's Vogue.)
Omigod, omigod you guys (I am not about to buy last year's dress at this year's price)
Elle saw right through that salesgirl's lies (It may be perfect for a blonde, but I'm not that blonde!)
I may be in love but I'm not stupid, lady, I've got eyes
Omigod, Elle Woods! Sorry, our mistake!
Courtney, take your break!
Just ignore her; she hasn't been well
Try this latest from Milan
Go on, try it on
I take care of my best clientèle
It's a gift from me to Elle . . .
Omigod, omigod you guys
This one's PERFECT! And it's just my size
See, dreams really do come true
You never have to compromise
Omigod
Omigod, omigod you guys
Let's go home before someone cries
If there ever was a perfect couple, this one qualifies
Cause we love you guys!
No, I love YOU guys!
Omigod!
Omigod!
Omigod, you guys! OMIGOD!!!!
SERIOUS
We both know why we're here
I see it in your eyes
I guess it calms my fear
To know it's not a surprise
I thought one look at you
Looking like a dream come true
Would leave me speechless like you always do
But now we're wide awake
And we've got some plans to make
Let's take some action, baby
So baby give me your hand
I've got some dreams to make true
I've got the future all planned
It's time to get serious, time to get serious with you
I never thought that I--(Um, honey? I'm not finished yet.
Oh, sorry.)
Since I was two or three (Mm-hm)
My life was planned out neat (Mm-hm)
I'd get my law degree (Yeah)
And then win my senate seat (Mm)
A big white house back east (Uh-huh)
All of the amenities (Yeah)
Three kids at least just like the Kennedys
Here's where our lives begin (our lives begin)
But just where do you fit in? (fit me in)
I'll break it down now baby (ooh)
So baby, give me your hand (here's my hand, here's my hand)
I've got some dreams to make true (we both have dreams to make true)
I know that you'll understand (oh yes, I understand)
It's time to get serious, time to get serious . . .
Serious (serious)
Gotta wake up and take our journey
Serious (serious)
I'm telling you as a future attorney (aah)
You want the moon and sky? (aah)
Then take it, don't be shy! (okay)
Baby, that's why you and I . . . (you and I . . .)
Should break up!!!
Yes, baby, I'll give you my hand, we--(WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE BREAKING UP WITH ME?!!!!! I thought you were proposing . . .)
(Elle, if I'm going to be a senator when I'm thirty, I'm going to need somebody)
Serious! Less of a Marilyn, more of a Jackie
Serious! Somebody classy and not too tacky (WHAT?!)
Okay, that came out wrong (*sniff*)
Baby, let's both be strong! (*sniff*)
I mean we've known all along . . .
(Just shut up! What does that mean I'm not a Jackie? I'm not serious? But I'm seriously in love with you!)
Baby, my future's all planned
I've got some dreams to make true
I thought that you'd understand
It's time to get serious, time to get serious . . . (Check, please.)
WHAT YOU WANT
Wait a second! This is the kind of girl Warner wants!
Someone serious!
Someone lawyerly!
Someone who wears black when nobody's dead!
Girls, I have a completely brilliant plan!
What you want, Warner, what you want is me!
But you need to see me in a brand new domain
Well, it's plain, Warner, in a different setting
You will see you're getting all of this PLUS a brain!
I'll meet you there at Harvard with a book in my hand
Big sturdy book, big wordy book
Full of words I'll understand and RIGHT there is where you'll see it too
Warner, what you want is right in front of you!
What you want
It's clear
What you want
Right here
What you want is right in front of you, front of you
What you want
It's clear
What you want
Right here
What you want is right in front of you, front of you
Step one, he's off to Harvard law, so I get in there too
Step two! Make Warner reassess, impress him with my high IQ
Step three! We throw a great big wedding and invite all Delta Nu
That's great! Nice plan! Now, can we think this through?
(Harvard Law School?
I have a 4.0 average . . .
Yeah, in Fashion Merchandising. What makes you think you can do this?)
Love! I'm doing this for love! And love will see me through
Yes, with love on my side, I can't lose
And Harvard can't refuse a love so pure and true
Don't lawyers feel love too?
Even if they do,
What you want, sweetheart, is no easy thing
If you're going to swing it, it will wreck your senior spring, yeah it's true
First, you'll need an LSAT score of more than 174
So no more parties for you
You'll need a killer essay or do not even hope
And glowing letters from your betters
Any chance you know the pope? Oh, no?
Too bad cause that would be a coup
And you've got a lot of work in front of you
What you want
Yes I know
What you want
Even so
What you want is right in front of you, front of you
What you want
Girl, you go!
What you want
No really, go!
What you want is right in front of you, front of you
(Law school?
Yes, Daddy, law school!
Good God, why? Law school is for boring, ugly, serious people! And you, Button, are none of those things!)
What you want, Button, hey, you just say the word!
But what you want's absurd, and costs a whole lot of swag
And have I! But, when you can stay right here, pursue a film career
How 'bout a nice bur ken bag?
Yes, the east coast is foreign! There's no film studios
It's cold and dark, no valet parking
All the girls have different noses!
Christ, Button, it's like the damned frontier
Tell me what's out there that you can't get right here?
Guys, love! (Love?)
I'm going there for love (Good God!)
A love I have to win
I can live without sun or valet
I can't just walk away
Betray what might have been
Fine, okay, I'll pay your way if you get in
What you want
Make good grades
What you want
And it's paid
What you want is right in front of you, front of you
(Hey, everybody, it's the spring fling beer bash extreme!
EXTREME!!!!!
Not for you! Time to study! GO!
This year's theme: JAMAICAN ME CRAZY!!!!)
What you want, you wanna be out because the sunshine's warm
What you want, you wanna be study-stuck inside your dorm
What you want, you wanna be partyin' with us all night long
What you want, you wanna be strong!
Be strong! Oh-oh!
(134. Not good enough. Try again. GO!)
What you want, you wanna be groovin' bump and shake the room
What you want, you wanna be provin' somethin at the room
What you want, you wanna be wonderin' where your youth is goin'
What you want, you wanna hold on
Hold on! Oh-oh!
(151. Still not Harvard material. Once again. Go!)
Love
I'm doing this for love
And that's how love survives
Here you go, I said no, go away
Right here is where I'll stay
Until that happy day
That day I hear them say . . .
175! 175! 175! 175! 175, 175!
(And so, gentlemen, Harvard Law grants admission to Adam Cohen and Sandick Pandamena. And now, Miss Elle Woods, who was kind enough to send in a headshot . . .
We should admit her! For reasons of um . . . multiculturalism!
Oh, gentlemen, please! Get a hold of yourselves! Oh, look at that! Oh, what a shame! She didn't bother sending in a personal essay!
How's THIS for a personal essay?!)
What you want! (Goodness me!)
What you want! (Security!)
What you want is right in--(Who are you?!)
I'm what you want, Harvard, I'm the girl for you!
And to prove it's true, we all flew here on Jet Blue (Thank you! Thank you!)
This is what Elle Woods inspires
Everyone admires her, and Harvard should too! (This is NOT a personal essay!)
NO! An essay's so boring, and so much does not fit!
So we're appearing live right here, making clear you must admit that Elle
Woods should join the chosen few
Harvard, what you want is right in front of--(May I approach!)
Uh-huh! Oh yeah! Go Elle! Oh!
(Now see here, Miss Woods! You can't just barge in here with singing and dancing and ethnic movement! This is a very flashy presentation, but I still can't see one reason to admit you!)
How about love? Have you ever been in love?
Cause if you have, you'll know
That love never accepts a defeat
No challenge it can't meet
No place it cannot go
Don't say no to a woman in love
Don't laugh when I say love
Don't think that I'm naive
Because even a person who's smart
Can listen to their heart
Can listen and believe
So believe in what love can achieve . . .
Do you believe? (I do!)
Do you believe? (Me too!)
Yes we believe in love, how 'bout you? (Welcome to Harvard!)
What you want
What you want
What you want is right in front of you, front of you
What you want
What you want
What you want is right in front of you, front of you
WHAT YOU WANT
WHAT YOU WANT
WHAT YOU WANT
WHAT YOU WANT
THE HARVARD VARIATIONS
(Hello, I'm Emmett Forrest. Welcome to the hallowed halls of Harvard Law. Let's go around and share a bit about yourselves.)
(Aaron Sholtz)
I won a full bright and a rose
I write financial software codes
But that's a challenge I've outgrown
How many yachts can one man own?
Some say that I'm a pompous creep
Somehow I don't lose that much sleep
Why bother with false modesty?
Harvard's the perfect place for me
Pretty impressive, good to know
Welcome to Harvard
What's up? Yo!
(Sandick Pogrowell Pomeda. But you can call me "Your majesty.")
In my country
My word was law
But then I flee
Because of stupid coup d'etat
But here I learn
I make new friends
And soon return in bullet-proof Mercedes Benz
Pretty impressive, good to know
Welcome to Harvard--
(ENID! HUPES!)
I did the peace corps overseas inoculating refugees
In family clinics that I built myself for mod entries
I vowed to clean up their lagoons and save their rare endangered loons
And led a protest march against insensiticertoons
Pretty impressive, good to--
But now I'm on the legal track because this country's out of whack
And only women have the guts to go and take it back
We'll make the government come clean and get more people voting green
And really stick to the phallus of the war machine
(I love your top! It's so petite chick. Does anyone know where I can find Criminal Law 101 with Professor Calahan and Warner Huntington the Third?
It's in Houser, over there, second building on the left.
Thanks!)
Harvard's the perfect place for--(Warner!)
Ha-a-a-a-a (Scuse me!)
Ha-a-a-a-a (Pardon me!)
Ha-a-a-a-a (Comin' through!)
Harvard's the perfect place for me!
Pretty impressive, good to know
Welcome to Harvard
(Elle?
Omigod, Warner? I totally forgot you go here!)
BLOOD IN THE WATER
Now when you choose a law career
The moment you embark
There is that joke you're bound to hear
A lawyer is a shark
Ignore that, it's simplistic, and it's dumb
Only some of you will turn out sharks, just some
The rest are chum
Our topic is blood in the water
Kids, it's time you faced
Law school is a waste
Unless, unless you acquire a taste for
Blood in the water
Dark and red and raw
You're nothing until the thrill of the kill
Becomes your only law
(Mr. Sholtz, hypothetical question. Would you be willing to defend the following banker accused of fraud?)
A kind old grandma took her savings and she sent it
Off to your client, all she saved since she was born
Well, he promised to invest it but he spent it
On prostitutes and heroine and porn (NO, I would not want to take that case!)
WRONG! This one is a win unless you're lazy
Grandma's broke; she'll have some hack from legal aid
Put her on the stand and call her old and crazy
Your guy goes free and he can get you high and laid
Look for the blood in the water
Read your Thomas Hobbs
Only spineless snobs
Will quarrel with the morally dubious jobs
Yes, blood in the water
Your scruples are a flaw
(Ms. Hupes, hypothetical question. Would you be the right lawyer for the following client?)
Say they offer you a bundle for defending
A famous hit man for the mafia elite
Seems he missed his chosen prey, killed a nun and drove away
Running over three cute puppies in the street
(What, you think I wouldn't defend him just because he's a typical man?
Oh, you lesbians think you're so tough!
But-I-tha-)
Oh dear, it seems my comment has offended
Hard to argue, though, when you're too mad to speak
Your employment will be very quickly ended
When they see how your emotions make you weak
So what's my point? I run a billion dollar law firm!
And I hire four new interns every year
From this class I will select four young sharks whom I respect
And those four will have a guaranteed career
Do you follow me?
So I wanna see what?
Blood in the water
Exactly, let the games begin
Four of you will win
But just those four with the dorsal fin, yes
Blood in the water
So bite and scratch and claw
(Yes, Ms. . . .
Woods. Elle Woods.
Someone's had their morning coffee. Would summarize the case of Indiana V. Hurn from your reading?
Oh, I wanted to answer the puppy question.
But I'm asking you about the assigned reading.
Okay, who assigns reading on the first day of class?
You have guts, Miss Woods.)
Ms. Kenzington, let's say you teach a class at Harvard Law School
A position which you're justly proud of
But a girl on whom you call hasn't read the case at all
Should you let it go or--(No, I'd throw her out.)
All right, then. You heard your classmate
You have just been killed
She cut your throat, so grab your coat
Yes, you've got guts but now there's spilled your
Blood in the water
So would you please withdraw?
And if you return, be ready to learn
Or is it unfair?
Oh wait! I don't care!
That's just how I rule
In life and in school with fear and shock and gall
You're nothing until (Blood in the water)
The thrill the of the kill (Blood in the water)
Becomes
Your only law (Blood in the water)
Your only law (Blood in the water)
Your only law (Blood in the water)
Blood in the water!
POSITIVE
Honey, whatcha cryin' at?
You're not losing him to that
Both her hair and shoes are flat
Why is she so rude?
Wipe your tears; it's no big thing
You were meant to wear his ring
Cheer up, chin up, it's time to bring
A happy attitude
Keep it positive
As you slap her to the floor
Keep it positive
As you pull her hair and call her "whore"
You can take her in a fight
You and he will reunite
You know we're right
We're positive
Kill her!
Girls, girls! Violence is never wise
Not the way to win back guys
Anyway, she's twice my size
Who's got a Plan B?
Uh, me! Look at her, she's like a nun
Show him you are way more fun
Bust out the lap dance and you won
You off the hizzle, G! (What?)
Keep it positive
Yeah, let out your inner freak!
Keep it positive
Miss Prissy Pants won't last a week
You will whet his appetite
You and he will reunite
You know we're right
We're positive
We're positive
We're positive
We're posi--(Omigod, you're making me sick!
Are we? Warner, let's take this back to my place.)
Ah, hey, hey, hey! Be positive!
That he loves you and not her
You're hotter
And I bet you're smarter
She don't know the real him
You feel him
So don't let her steal him
Wake him up like Sleeping Beauty
Turn his head with your red-hot booty
We'll bring the noise if you bring the funk
It's positively time to shake your junk!
Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, whoo!!!!
Huh, huh, huh! Huh, huh, huh! Huh, huh! (Girls, how is this helping? He's not even here! He left while we were shaking junk!)
Wait! Girls, I'm positive
That we've taken this too far
No I'm positive
This is Harvard, not a stripper bar
All this trashy carrying on
That's the reason that he's gone
I need a salon!
Girls, I'm positive
Try not to get upset
But I'm positive
That it's time for me to go brunette! (What?!)
Being blonde and being hot
That got me exactly squat
Gotta show him I've got more to give
No I'm positive (you're positive)
I'm positive (positive)
I'm positive (positive, you're positive)
Positive!
IRELAND
(Elle, do you know the number one reason behind all bad hair decisions? Love!)
You're lost without your love
Your heart is on the floor
I can help you; I've been there before
I need to relax
I just put on some tracks
From this CD I bought for the store (Isn't that relaxing? It's called CELTIC MOOTS!!!)
When I'm lonely or feeling dejected
I play this and it never fails
I pretend like I'm in Ireland
With Enya and the whales
When my telephone gets disconnected
Or I spend every night alone
I pretend like I'm in Ireland
Where the Irish bagpipes drone
Smell the grass as a rainstorm has ended
People smile while I stroll past their farms
With a redheaded sailor named Brendan
And we dance without moving our arms
In a bar once I met this guy Dewey
And he bought me like fourteen beers
And he told me that he was from Ireland
So I lived with him ten years
If I squinted he'd look like my sailor
Through my woozy delusional fog
But he dumped for some $lut named Kayla
Took my trailer and took my job
In Ireland they know how to love you
You embrace in the misty Irish breeze
And if your Irish boy tires of you
You're allowed to shoot him in the knees
Hey, you look like that poster for Ireland
Long blonde hair and that sweet sunny face
Oh no wait that's the poster for Sweden
Oh, sweetheart, I'll never see either place
But a girl sweet as you has a future
You have hope as each new day dawns
Girls like you always get to see Ireland
Give my love to the leprechauns
IRELAND (REPRISE)
(Elle, if a girl like you can't win back a man then there is no hope for the rest of us! You go, and you fight for him!)
The Irish fear nothing and no one
They keep fightin' til everyone's dead
I'm not sure where this metaphor's goin'
I just felt like it had to be said
There's a guy at that party who loves you
Something most of us only dream of
You go out there and you get some Ireland
The country of whiskey and love
SERIOUS (REPRISE)
(I still can't believe you're here at Harvard. Back at UCLA, I never would have guessed it. Sometimes, I miss the old days.)
Those parties senior year
I thought we ruled the world
You fuddled all that beer
I held your head when you hurled
We were like gods back then
Walking among common men
Tell me why can't it be that way again?
Dreams don't just disappear
We could keep on dreaming them here (What?)
Like senior year, but funner!
You've got your future all planned (Yes I do, yes I do)
What if I'm standing there too? (Wait, I'm not following you)
I'm here cause I understand (Not sure I understand)
I'm here cause I'm serious (Yeah right, you look real serious.)
CHIP ON MY SHOULDER
(Whoa, Elle? What's up, Doc?)
Love (Excuse me?)
I put my faith in love
I followed where it led (Love led you here?)
To my personal circle of hell
It has not worked out well
I wish that I were dead
Cause instead of a wedding in love
I'm flunking out of school
A total laughing stock
Someone he and his friends can just mock
So go on, here's my head
Just hand over the rock!
(Wait, go back)
You came out here to follow a man
Harvard Law was just part of that plan
Man, what rich romantic planet are you from? (Malibu?)
Instead of lying outside by the pool
You stalk some guy to an ivy league school
That's the weirdest reason I have ever--(Oh, why'd you come?)
(Okay)
I grew up in the Roxbury slums
With my mom and a series of bums
Guys who showed me all the ways a man can fail
I got through law school by busting my @$$
Worked two jobs in addition to class
So forgive me for not weeping at your tale (Well excuse me, just because you've got some sort of chip on your shoulder)
(You know what? You're right.)
There's a chip on my shoulder
And it's big as a boulder
With the chance I've been given
I'm gonna be driven as hell
I'm so close I can taste it
So I'm not gonna waste it
Yeah, there's a chip on my shoulder
You might wanna get one as well (I'm sorry, but that sounds highly negative. Wait . . . two jobs PLUS law school? How do you do it?)
Well, I don't go to parties a lot
Not good use of the time that I've got
Can't spend hours doing my hair and staying in shape (I don't spend HOURS!)
But I know it'll all be worthwhile
When I win my first lucrative trial
And buy my mom that great big house out on the cape! (Oh, that's so sweet!)
No, that's the chip on my shoulder
I hugged my mom and told her
With the chance I've been given
I'm gonna be driven as hell
Though I can't take the day off
I just think of the payoff
You need a chip on your shoulder
Little Miss Woods comma Elle (I just need to prove to everyone that I'm serious!
What you need is to get to work! Where are your law books?
Um . . . well I know they're here somewhere . . .)
You know, this vanity's real picturesque
But it started its life as a desk
Clear it off and find some room for books instead (What are you doing?)
Can you live without this? Can you live without that?
I don't know what this is (It's for hair!)
Wear a hat!
Spend some time improving what's inside your head
Out, out, put it in storage
Sell it on ebay
Leave it behind
Out, out, what, are you angry?
Good, so get angry!
You may find
The chip on your shoulder (Argh!)
The room just got colder (Hey!)
But with the chance you've been given
Why are you NOT driven as hell?!
There's just no way around it
You gotta plow through 'til you--(Found it!)
Been reading it hard I can tell
'Tis a gift to be simple, 'tis a gift to be free
Hm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm
(Bye Warner! Have a great Thanksgiving! Say hi to your mom and dad for me! And Grandma Bootsie!
Define malem prohibitum.
Malem prohibitum is, um . . .
An act prohibited--
An act prohibited by law, like jaywalking or chewing gum in Singapore.
Therefore malem ensae?
Is an action, that's evil in itself. Assault, murder, white shoes after Labor Day.
Good. Where are you going?
Home, of course! It's Thanksgiving break, remember?
Interesting.
What?
Well . . .)
I predict you will probably pass (Yes!)
In the bottom percent of your class (What?)
If you're going for mediocre, you've done great! (That's not fair!)
Look, they laughed at me like they're laughing at you
We can't win if we don't follow through
Might I venture your vacation plans can wait? (Why do you always have to be right?)
Glo-or-or-or-or-or-or-or-or-or-or-oria (Latin chanting)
(Bye Warner! Merry Christmas! Enjoy Bale!
Ho ho ho!
Emmett!
For you. Not as good as going home for Christmas, but . . .
You are too sweet.
It's a real time saver. Shampoo and conditioner in one.
OH! Thank you. You are so adorable to think of me.
Elle, hey!
Warner!
Have you seen Vivienne? I've been looking everywhere for her!
Yeah . . . I-I-I mean no.
Great. We're gonna miss our flight!
Um, Elle . . .)
I don't know if you noticed before
But each time Warner walks through the door
Your IQ goes down to 40, maybe less (Huh?)
Though it's hardly my business to say
Could it be the real thing in your way
Is the very guy you're trying to impress?
. . . Yes! I've been smiling and sweet and thoroughly beaten blowing my chance
Let's not chase him away
Let's face him and say
"Hey punk, let's dance!"
This chip on my shoulder
Makes me smarter and bolder
No more whining or blaming
I am reclaiming my pride
Grab that book and let's do this!
Instead of doodling hearts all through this
Now there's a chip on my shoulder
Let's see him knock it aside!
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah daughter of Delta Nu
Show him that you're no fool
Daughter of Delta Nu
Go back to school with a big chip on your shoulder!
(Mr. Vladimir was clearly within his rights to ask for visitation. Without his sperm, the child in question wouldn't exist.
Now, you're thinking like a lawyer! Yes, Miss Woods.
Mr. Huntington makes an excellent point, but did the defendant keep a log of every sperm emission made throughout his life?
Interesting. Why do you ask?
Well, unless the defendant attempted to contact every sexual encounter to find out if a child resulted from those unions, he has no parental claim over this child, whatsoever. Why now? Why this sperm?
I see your point.
And, by Mr. Huntington's standards, all masturbatory emissions where the sperm was clearly not seeking an egg would be called "reckless abandonment."
Miss Woods, you've just won your case.)
Omigod . . .
Wait, hold on, we just won the case!
Omigod . . .
Elle got all up in Warner's face
Omigod . . .
I am starting to like this place
Yes! Omigod!
(Miss Woods, excellent work today. I assume you're applying for my internship. Do you have a resume?
I am one step ahead of you. Here you go, and thanks in advance for your consideration.
Dear god, it's scented. Three months ago I would have recycled this. Make sure to put it on file.)
Guess she got a chip on her shoulder
Maybe some wise man told her
With the chance we've been given
We gotta be driven as hell
She was something to see there
I'm just happy I could be there
First big test and she aced it
She's so close she can taste it
She got a chip on her shoulder
Guess you never can tell
With little Miss Woods comma Elle
Elle Woods
Woods comma Elle
Chip on her shoulder
Elle Woods
Woods comma Elle
Chip on her shoulder (No you never can tell)
Elle Woods
Woods comma Elle
Chip on her shoulder
With little Miss Woods comma Elle
SO MUCH BETTER
All of this time, I'd planned
I'd be patient and you would love me again
You'd come to respect my mind
And at last you'd find
You could love me again
And I have turned my whole world upside down
Trying not to let you go
Watching you walk away is like a fatal blow
Whoa! Is that my name up on that list?
Does someone know that I exist?
Is this a mistake? Am I even awake?
Pinch me now to make sure! Ow!
Guess that's my name in black and white
Maybe I'm doing something right
Wow! I feel so much better than before
Warner! Sorry I've been a pest
But I guess my best was not working with you
But looks like I've found a cure
And I so look forward to working with you (What? Working with you?)
Hey, remember when we spent spring break in the hot tub every night?
We said nothing else could ever feel so right
Well this might!
Seeing my name up on that list
That beats the first time that we kissed
You thought I was dumb
But I think that somebody's judgment was poor
Seeing my name in black and white
It's like making love with you all night
No wait! It feels so much better
Hello much better, and oh, Oh, OH, OH, OH
Much better
I am so much better than before
(Yes, she's so much better than before
Yes, she's so much better than before)
Maybe she's what you prefer
But hey last year I was her
Maybe you will change your mind
But you might look up to find
I've moved on to bigger things
Better jobs or bigger rings
I don't have the time to cry
I'm too busy loving my
Name up on that list
Kind of a cool ironic twist
Who else can I tell?
Oh, wait! Where's my cell?
Mom will fall on the floor
Hey, mom! Look at my name in black and white
Your daughter's doing something right
I feel so much better
I'll be there on Monday nine'o'clock
And we will see who walks the walk
No, no, I can't wait! I will be there at eight
When they unlock the doors
Oh! Oh! I'll even dress in black and white
You see, I have not begun to fight
And you'll go (Oh!) much better
And (Oh!) much better
And soon all y'all gonna know much better
I am so much better (I am so much better)
I am so much better (I am so much better)
I am so much better
Than before (Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah)
Yeah!
WHIPPED INTO SHAPE
(Hi, I'm Brooke Windham, and welcome back to Windham Workout Disk 2 Challenge and our daily commitment to being the best we can be! So grab your Cardio Whip 5000! Cause if you wanna get ripped, you gotta get whipped!)
Do you want an easy miracle?
Do you wanna lose a pound or two?
Then you can turn this off right now
My workout's not for you
I'm talking to the woman who wants it all
Gotta pay for what you get
Cause size 2 clothes don't come to those too lazy to sweat
I want you whipped into shape
When I say jump, say "How high?"
You know you're doing it right
When you start to cry
If you don't look like you should
You've got to whip it, whip it, whip it good
I'm sorry, ladies, no escape
Til you're whipped into shape
(Come on, Sabrina, you heffer! Work out it out!)
Whipped into shape
(I hate you Brooke! And I love you for it!)
Whipped into sh--(Hey, why'd you pause it?
We have a lot to cover.)
Meet our brand new client Brooke
You can laugh but she's made tons
Off her DVDs and book
Whip Your Way To Tighter Buns
Happily married so she swears
To her 60-year-old stud
Till stepdaughter came downstairs
And found Brooke all covered in his blood
If Brooke took a plea, I'd have her out in 3 to 4
But she claims she did not kill him, did she?
Let's watch some more
But it's more than just a workout
It's a defensive weapon too
Simply wrap it round your assailant's neck and pull til he turns blue
You can also use the patented handle grip to shatter your attacker's spine
And all for three small payments of
$19.99
You'll have him whipped into shape
When you get grief from a guy
Just work him over with this
Til he starts to cry
If he don't act like he should
You've got to whip it, whip it, whip it good
It gets you out of any scrape
Gets you whipped into shape
(Come on, people!)
Whipped into shape
(What does not kill us makes us hotter!)
Huh!
Okay, now here is where you kids come in
Brooke has trouble trusting me
I'm her only chance to win
But I don't speak MTV
Though Broke won't help her own defense
She might listen to her peers
Go and place a little sense
In the space between her ears (I'm a Delta N--
Not now.)
I want her whipped into shape
If there's a brain in that hair
Tell it that I am the key
It's a plea or the chair
See when I talk to her I
Get neither plea nor plan nor alibi
To quote from our defendant's tape
I want her whipped into shape
To the jail!!!
(Ladies, just because we're at Boston Women's Correctional Facility does not mean that we can't become the best that we can be! Here we go!)
Circle! Circle! Under! Over! Through! Around! Again! Good!
Circle! Circle! Under! Over! Through! Around!
All right, ladies, we can't break out of here, but we sure can break a sweat!
Left! Right! Left! Right! Good!
Left! Right! Left! Right! Left! Right! WORK IT OUT!
I want you whipped into shape
When I say jump, say "How high?"
You know you're doing it right
When you start to cry
If you don't look like you should
You've got to whip it, whip it, whip it good
Like prison, ladies, no escape
Til you're whipped into shape
Whip it
Whip it
Whipped into shape
Whip it
Whip it
Swipe it, swipe it, swipe it through! Check it out! Double jump!
Swipe it, swipe it, swipe it through! Check it out! Double jump!
That's right! You've got it!
Whip it, whip it, whip it
Get whipped into shape!!!
TAKE IT LIKE A MAN
(What is this place?
It's called a department store.
It's . . . beautiful.
Ssssh . . .)
First a deep breath
Let it all in
Feel all those halogens warming your skin
Smell how they pump in pure oxygen
See? They care
(Love?
Excuse me?
Love, the new fragrance from Chanel.
Oh, no thank you.)
I know you're scared
Nevertheless
Think of the people you want to impress
Swallow your pride for me, just not guess
And prepare
Cause something's in the air (I think it's love.
Exactly!)
Here you'll become what you're supposed to be
You think you can't but you can
Think of the guy you want most to be
Here's your chance to make it
So take it like a man
What does she want?
Not really sure
Why can't we leave things the way that they were?
Why can I never say no to her?
(What's that smell? Subtext, by Calvin Klein.)
That I don't like
That's kind of neat
Guys who wear that get beat up on my street
Still I've come this far
I can't retreat in my shell
I'm in the hands of Elle
What the hell?
Here you'll become what you're supposed to be
You think you can't but you can
Think of the guy you want most to be
Here's your chance to make it
So take it like a man (Take it like a man)
God, I love shopping for guys! (Okay, this is strange)
Watching them change right before my eyes (Don't watch me change!)
Look at him striking a pose
His confidence grows
He'll boom like a rose! (It's just clothes!)
God, I love shopping for men! (Okay, this is nice)
They walk in a two, they walk out a ten (Is this the price?)
Don't worry this is my treat
There's someone I'd like you to meet
(Whoa. I look like Warner.
Yeah . . .
But it's just me.)
That's the best part
The outside is new
But now it reflects what's already in you
Couldn't change that if I wanted to
And I do not (Thank you.)
(No, thank you.) This is no gift
It's payment in kind
Cause you saw behind all the blonde to my mind
Oh, we've got to buy this!
What are you blind? You look hot!
Is he not hot? (He's hot hot hot hot)
Here you'll become what you're supposed to be
You think you can't but you can
Think of the guy you want most to be
Not quite the guy I'd of chose to be
But when she's standing so close to me
I think I like her plan
Here's your chance to make it (your chance to make it)
So take it like (so take it like)
A man (a man)
A man (a man)
A man (a man)
A man!
BEND AND SNAP
Look at my @$$, look at my thighs
I'm catnip to the guys
They chase my tail, they drool and pant
Wanna touch this but they can't
All the boys wanna come and play
Snap my fingers and they obey
Why do they follow me round all day?
Watch me while I walk away!
I bend and snap
Feel how hot it's getting
Bend and snap
Then when you've got em sweating
Spring the trap
They cheer and clap
No tight man can defend
It's the bend and snap
(Oh, that's easy for you to say!
And you!)
Girl, if you wanna make the team
Make some self esteem
The more you jump around and scream, the sexier you seem
Please! Sorry girls, that ain't how I play
This wouldn't work if I tried all day
I gotta go get my asthma spray
Watch me while I walk away
No wait before you walk away!
Just bend and snap (OW!)
Look how good you're getting!
Bend and snap
I bet right now you're sweating
Spring the trap
They cheer and clap
So depend on your friend for the bend--
It's not the time to overthink
Just try it once; he'll buy you a drink!
Excuse me, would you teach me that?
I am tired of living alone with my cat! (Sure!)
Nowadays I do dye jobs and curls
But here's how we did it in the Laker Girls! (Come on, Paulette!
You'll be fine!
Works every time!
Look, do it, and we'll go away!
Okay, okay, okay, okay!
Beeeennnd and . . . snap!
DAMN!!!!)
Hey wait a second, when I beckoned
Look how the guys came runnin'!
Like I'm kickin!
Finger lickin'!
Like I'm frickin' wicked stunnin'!
Will you pay for stuff I buy? (YES!)
And back me cake and pie? (YES!)
And hold me when I cry? (YES!)
And I will tell you why
I'm too rockin' along (rock away)
All the boys come to gawk away
Droppin' jaws from a block away
Watchin' while I walk away
Love to watch her walk away!
I bend and snap
Now look how hot it's getting!
Bend and snap
I bet right now you're sweating!
Spring the trap
They cheer and clap!
I depend on my friend (Go Paulette! Go Paulette!)
I depend on my friend (Go! Go! Go Paulette!)
I depend on my friend for the bend and snap
Bend and snap
Bend and snap
Bend and snap
Bend and snap
Bend and snap
Bend and snap
Bend and snap
Bend and snap
I'm gonna get me some Kyle!
(Paulette, did I leave my stylus?
Beeennnnd and . . . snap!
Eeeeh, awwww crap!)
THERE! RIGHT THERE!
There! Right There!
Look at that tan beau tinted skin
Look at the killer shape he's in
Look at that slightly stubbly chin
Oh please, he's gay, totally gay
I'm not about to celebrate.
Every trait could indicate the totally straight expatriate
This guy's not gay, I say not gay
That is the elephant in the room
Well is it relevant to assume
That a man who wears perfume
is automatically radically fay?
But look at his quoft and crispy locks
Look at his silk translucent socks
There's the eternal paradox
Look what we're seeing.(What are we seeing?)
Is he gay? (Of course he's gay!)
Or European (Oooooh.)
Gay or European?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he gay or European?
Well, hey, don't look at me
You see they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports
They play peculiar sports
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts
Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks
They will say things like "ciao bella"
While they kiss you on both cheeks (Oh please.)
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray
Depending on the time of day, the French go either way
Is he gay or European?
Or
There! Right There!
Look at that condescending smirk
Seen it on every guy at work
That is a metro-hetero jerk
That guy's not gay, I say, no way!
That is the elephant in the room
Well is it relevant to presume
That a hottie in that costume
Is automatically-radically
Ironically-cronically
Scurtinly-purtainly
Genetically-netically
Gay!
Officially!
OFFICIALLY GAY GAY GAY GAY--DAMMIT!!!
Gay or European?
So stylish and relaxed
Is he gay or European?
I think his chest is waxed
But they bring their boys up different there
It's culturally diverse
It's not a fashion curse
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse
Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code
Yet his accent is hypnotic
but his shoes are pointy toed (Huh.)
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray
But if he turns out straight I'm free at 8 on Saturday
Is he gay or European?
Gay or European?
Gay or Euro-
(Wait a minute! Give me a chance to crack this guy. I have an idea I'd like to try.
The floor is yours.
So Mr. Argitacos, this alleged affair with Ms. Windam has been going on for...?
Two years.
And your first name again is...?
Micos.
And your boyfriend's name is...?
Carlos.
I'm sorry! I misunderstand. You say boyfriend. I thought you say best friend. Carlos is my best friend.
You bastard! You lying bastard! That's it. I no cover for you no more! Peoples, I have a big announcement!)
This man is Gay AND European! (Whoa!)
And neither is his place
You've got to stop your being a completely closet case
This may not hardly seem
No matter what he say
I swear he never ever ever swing the other way.
You are so gay, you big parfait!
You flaming boy bag cabaret
(I'm straight!
You were not yesterday.)
So if I may, I'm proud to say,
He's gay!
And European!
He's gay!
And European!
He's gay!
And European and Gay!
Fine okay I'm gay!
Hooray!!!!
LEGALLY BLONDE
Take back the books and pack up the clothes
Clear out the room and drop off the key
Leave with what's left of my dignity
Get in the car, and just go
Chalk it all up to experience
They said I'd fail, but I disagreed
Who could say then where my path would lead?
Well now I know
Back to the sun
Back to the shore
Back to what I was before
Back where I'm known
Back in my home
Very small pond
Laugh with my friends
When I arrive
We'll drop the top and just drive
That's fine with me
Just let me be
Legally Blonde
Thanks for your help and for all you've done
Thank you for treating me decently (What's wrong?)
Maybe someday you can visit me
Give me a call, say hello (Wait! Where are you going?)
Sorry I'm letting down everyone (What brought on this?)
You did your best with a hopeless case (That's ludicrous)
You are the best thing about this place (Elle, you should know . . .)
(Calahan hit on me.
He what?
He kissed me. He fired me. There's no reason for me to stay.)
What about love?
I never mentioned love
The timing's bad, I know
But perhaps if I'd made it more clear
That you belong right here
You wouldn't have to go
Cause you know that I'm so much in love . . .
Back to the sun
Back to the shore
Back to what I was before (Please open the door)
Lie on the beach
Dream within reach
Don't stray beyond (We both know you're worth so much more!)
Some girls fight hard
Some face the trial
Some girls were just meant to smile (If you can hear, can I just say how much I want you to stay?)
It's not up to me
Just let me be
Legally Blonde (I need you to stay)
It's not up to me
Just let me be
Legally Blonde
LEGALLY BLONDE REMIX
(Maybe Warner saw a blonde who was sleeping her way to the top, but I see a woman who doesn't have to!)
I used to pray for the day you'd leave
Swore up and down you would not belong
But when I'm wrong, then I say I'm wrong, and I was wrong about you
So listen up!
I see no end to what you'll achieve
That's only if you don't turn and run
You proved it to me, now show everyone what you can do
And you look great in dark blue!
Get back in the game!
Back on the case! Take a good look at my face
I'm not a fool, and it's a rule
I do not pose (anybody can pose)
But I see a star!
You're my new muse!
You've got the best frickin' shoes!
And you lit a fuse
So go show 'em who's
Legally Blonde (Sha lalalalala)
Yes, you lit a fuse
So go show 'em who's legally--
(Sorry, Vivienne, but I'm never wearing that again.
Um, Elle, honey, you're in the supply closet!
I know! I said I'm never wearing THAT again! I'm wearing . . . THIS!)
Back in the game! (Yes!)
Back to the trial! (Yes!)
But I'm going back in my style (Back in her style!)
Girls, it's a fact! (Yes!)
When you're attacked (Yes?)
You got to respond (Got to got to got to got to respond!)
Hand me my dog! (Dog!)
Hand me my bag! (Bag!)
And that American flag! (Got to be American!)
Cause nobody screws (No!)
Somebody who's (Who?)
Legally Blonde
Get on your feet cause she's Legally Blonde
Take to the street cause she's Legally Blonde
There's no retreat cause you're
Legally Blonde (Yeah!)
Don't be afraid to be Legally Blonde
Join the parade cause she's legally--(Honey, look! She's leading a parade!
Mom and Dad!
Get a picture!)
Just one more, please, cause she's Legally Blonde
Everyone, say cheese! No, say "Legally Blonde!"
Legally Blonde!
Cause she's Legally Blonde . . .
Cause she's Legally Blonde . . .
Cause she's Legally Blonde . . .
(Omigod, Elle!
Thanks, Greek Chorus, but I don't need voices in my head today!)
Honey, it's us! The girls of Delta Nu!
We came to see our president be Legally Blonde
Jump on your feet cause she's Legally Blonde
You've got a right to be Legally Blonde
You've got a right to be
Legally Blonde (Yeah!)
(Paulette, I've got another package.
Thanks! Kyle B. O'Boyle. Hey, what does the B stand for?
Brendan.)
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Hey! Ah-ah-ah-ah! Ah-ah-ah-ah! Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Back in the game!
Back in the fray!
Back the hell outta the way!
Mister, you're fired! (What?!)
Guess who I hired! (Who?)
To represent me, you gotta be . . .
Yeah, you gotta be
Yeah, you gotta be
Yeah, you gotta be . . .
Legally Blonde!
And she's Legally Blonde, oh yeah
And she's Legally Blonde, oh yeah
And she's Legally Blonde, oh yeah
Legally Blonde, oh yeah!
FIND MY WAY/FINALE
Though I've dreamed of this day long ago
Now my answer is thank you but no
Look I've barely begun, I'm hardly through
I was living in ignorant bliss
Til I learned I could be more than this
And you know, in a way I owe it all to you
I thought losing your love was a blow I could never withstand
Look how far I have come without anyone holding my hand
I had to find my way
The day you broke my heart
And handed me the chance
To make a brand new start
You helped me find my way
There's still so much to learn
So many dreams to earn
But even if I crash and burn ten times a day
I think I'm here to stay
I'm gonna find my way
(William Shakespeare wrote "To thine own self be true, and it must follow as the night the day, though canst not then be false to any man." I believe this wise statement best applies to a woman. A blonde woman. Over the past three years, she taught me and showed us all that being true to yourself never goes out of style. Ladies and gentlemen, our valedictorian . . .
ELLE WOODS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of . . .)
Here's the part where she gives her big speech
We're so proud, but Elle's not one to preach
So she said we could play "Where are they now?"
Here we go!
Enid practices family law
Vivienne's training for the peace corps
Warner quits and he makes more modeling anyhow
Calahan ran for governor, but was defeated of course
And his wife hired Emmett to handle their messy divorce
And me? I think I'll find my way
And hey! I married Kyle
And now we have two kids
And one more on the way
And we live out in Wester
I bought a new salon
We also feature dog grooming
Here! Take a couple cards!
Oops, sorry back to Elle
I thank you one and all
The ones who thought I'd fall
Who taught me how to fail
Who helped me to prevail
I'm standing here today
To help me find my way!
Oh, and if you could all give me one second before we all go
Emmett Forrest, please make me the happiest woman I know
Omi-omi-omigod!
Omi-omi-omi-omigod
Omigod, omigod you guys
Granted, not a complete surprise
But if there ever was a perfect couple, this one qualifies
And now I found my love (Migod!)
I found my way to love (You guys!)
I finally found my prize
If there ever was a perfect couple, this one qualifies
Cause we love you guys
No we love YOU guys!
Omigod
Omigod
Omigod, you guys
OMIGOD!!!!!